Hidden Attractions and Failed Transactions
by Laverva McGown
Summary: It's another day in the Order of the Phoenix HQ, but with secret love interests, traitors in the ranks and an increasingly senile Dumbledore, how long will this (noble) Order last? One-sided Snape/Dumbledore,
1. Chapter 1

It was a bitterly cold day as Severus Snape walked down the familiar cobblestone path to Grimmauld Place. His robes, black as usual, billowed out behind him as he strode purposefully onwards. He halted at the door, waiting irritably for the damn fools to let him in. As he stood, shivering, on the doorstep, he surveyed the grey sky, trying to pinpoint the exact location of the sun. Ah, there it was - that tiny patch of white slightly more stressful on the eyes than everywhere else. It reminds me rather of myself, he thought, entering the dusty hallway without bothering to thank the stammering Kreacher.

The Potions Master hesitated for the second time around another doorway, this one labelled with a rainbow post-it note: **HQ OF THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. **Mentally preparing himself for the inevitable horror he was about to be faced with, he stepped inside.

He was the last one to arrive, it seemed. There was Sirius, and Lupin, and Alastair Moody, and, of course, Dumbledore. Snape held back a derisive snort as he examined the man's flourescent purple robes. Old coot.

"Welcome, Severus! Welcome!" the said old coot exclaimed with a little more enthusiasm than was necessary. "Greetings, my friend! It's good to see you! Good morning to you, my good Snape!"

"Hi," Lupin said.

Snape spared Dumbledore a curt nod before taking his rightful and well-deserved position at his right hand. Not that he _enjoyed _being there, of course. Oh no, no, no, no... Of course not. No. He just felt... privileged. It was because of the quality of the chair, obviously, Snape hastily tried to reassure himself. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously. NOT because he had Dumbledore sitting in an uncomfortably close proximity. No.

"Shall we start?" Lupin suggested practically.

"Oh, Remus, why must you always be so practical," Sirius said disapprovingly.

"Why must _you _always be so disapproving?" Lupin countered.

"Now, now, that's enough, children." Dumbledore raised a hand for silence, in doing so brushing Snape's wrist. He felt a sort of startling electric rush whiz through his arm and up into his chest.

It was because someone had just said 'always', obviously. NOT because Dumbledore had just touched him. No.

Snape winced upon realizing he had just thought the words 'touched' and 'Dumbledore' at the same time. "NOT the same time," he hissed. "_Almost _the same time."

"We begin this meeting," Dumbledore began, a decidedly gleeful expression fixed on his face, "with the welcoming of an old friend who has decided to rejoin our ranks."

There was a collective sinking of stomachs, pursing of lips, and burying of faces in hands.

"I would like you all to welcome our latest and most trusted member to the Order; Wormtail!"

An awkward silence fell upon the room. He couldn't mean it, Snape thought, not sure whether to be depressed or amused by this news.

After at least two and a half minutes, Lupin looked up and, with an unblinking gaze fixed on Dumbledore, clapped twice, with a slowness and precision which even Snape had to admire. He shot a withering glance in Lupin's direction.

"Oh, well done!"Dumbledore cried, and he promptly burst into a round of applause.

"Are you certain this is a good idea, Dumbledore?" Moody demanded. Snape's quick mind translated the words instantly. _This is undoubtedly the singularly most asinine, ridiculous concept you have ever imposed upon us. _That was what Moody had meant, Snape concluded.

Dumbledore, however, seemed far too consumed in frivolity to even noticed Moody's words. "DRINKS ALL ROUND!" he yelled cheerfully.

It was then that Snape decided it had fallen upon his shoulders to regain some sort of order. His mouth twisting into a smirk at the clever pun, he cleared his throat. "Er, weren't we supposed to be discussing the Dark Lord's plans today, Albus?"

Dumbledore airily waved him away, and Snape felt a sensation like a kick in the gut at having been discarded so easily. "All in good time, my man!"

Snape was speechless. _My man. _What if Dumbledore _did _become his ma-

No. The chair was comfortable.

At that moment, the door burst open and Wormtail launched himself in, giggling madly. He sat down next to Moody, whose expression went from mildly disgusted to positively revolted in a matter of seconds. "Oh, shut up!" He whacked the offending individual over the head with his stick.

Snape felt Dumbledore stiffen beside him, and he slowly turned to see him glaring at Moody with a burning rage he had never before seen. "MOODY!" Dumbledore bellowed. "I'm surprised at you! Snape, if you could kindly escort Moody outside."

Snape decided he wouldn't, just to pay Dumbledore back for his cold rejection. Oh, and because the chair was too comfortable for him to move from it, obviously.

Sirius coughed. "Well...drinks then?"

Dumbledore's eyes widened in anger. "NO! NO! NO DRINKS! NO!"

"But you said - " Sirius said helplessly.

"MOODY - SNAPE - OUT! OUT! _**OUT!**_"

Snape's stomach twisted again, though this time he felt rather angry. Who did Dumbledore think he was? "Don't you think you're - overreacting?" he asked calmly, taking a measured sip of mint tea. He'd become quite good at concealing his emotions, over the years.

"I should think he is," Moody said. "Pass me some of that tea, would you?"

"Pass me some!" Wormtail added, sniggering. He received withering gazes from both Moody and Snape.

"Getting quite good at those gazes, aren't you, Snape?" Lupin chortled.

Snape was preparing his most lethal gaze yet when the doorbell rang.

Dumbledore looked ready to burst with excitement. "Ah, just in time! Come in, Lucius!" he called.


	2. Increasing Tension

Snape's hand, which a moment ago had been calmly holding a mug of ice tea, froze on its journey to his mouth. "Lucius?!" First Wormtail, now _him _– was it even possible? Wormtail, of course, being a wallowing creature, did not pose a threat, but Lucius's hair was long and luscious and the perfect shade of platinum, and Snape feared that Dumbledore would be attr- Would be _assassinated _by him. Yes. Wait. Not that he cared if he was.

A burst of hysterical laughter reached Snape's ears, and he glanced sideways at the Headmaster, who appeared to be having some sort of fit.

"Of _course, _Severus!" he cried, and Snape felt himself slowly shrinking away from the unnerving glow in his eyes. "Surely you didn't think he was _really _evil, did you, Severus?!"

_No-one with hair shinier than my own can be trusted. _"Actually, I did."

Dumbledore did not look impressed, but if he was about to express this thought he could not as Wormtail surprised none by jumping up and crouching behind his chair. "No," he whimpered, nose quivering between the gap in the chair. "Not Lucius."

Snape was about to pretend to be charitable by agreeing with him (not that his own reasons against Lucius were anything to be ashamed of, of course) when –

"As a matter of fact," Dumbledore chortled, "I've invited the whole family!"

There was a silence, broken when Lupin face-tabled.

"…you didn't," Snape said.

Undeterred by Lupin's unconscious form next to him, Moody leapt up. "THIS IS MADNESS!" he bellowed, and Lupin's form twitched uncomfortably. "Bolt that confounded door at on-"

Dumbledore grinned (sadistically?) as the door flew open.

_Owned, _Snape thought.

"Lucy!" Dumbledore screamed. Snape froze.

"Dumbley!" Lucius cried.

Snape felt his stomach sink as he frantically tried to analyse the expression on Dumbledore's face. Was that – affection? Attraction?! What if –

Hastily he placed a hand on the back of his chair to remind himself of the facts.

Sirius leaned over Lupin to reach the ice tea. "It can't be…"

"It is," Lupin, now revived, spat aggressively.

Snape's spine was far too tight as he felt his world slowly begin to shake and crumble. "It would be." Just his luck. Didn't he deserve a perfect fairy-tale ending? Wait, what?

A general air of frivolity about him, Dumbledore jumped up and put an arm around Lucius.

Dumbledore. Jumped up.

And put an arm…

_Around Lucius. _

"Oh my GOD! Lucy! How are you?!"

Much to Snape's satisfaction, a tremendous frown shot onto Lucius's face as he gazed at Dumbledore's arm. "Uh…"

At that moment, the door flew off its hinges to make way for the rest of the Malfoy family, complete with sneers and triumphant leers. Snape had taken up poetry in his youth, but discarded it after Lily Evans told him it sucked.

"Oh my gosh, who _lives _here?!" a petulant, whiny voice announced to the neighbourhood. "This place is, like, _so _out-dated. LOOK AT THAT TABLE!"

The last bit of self-control left in Snape abruptly deserted him when he needed it most, leaving him to unceremoniously collapse head-first onto the table. _I am surrounded by idiots. _

Across the room, Moody's face turned pitch black. "You insolent, conceited brat! AVADA KED-"

"SILENCE!"

Everyone abruptly stopped whatever they had doing and hunched over slightly, mostly because they were trying not to laugh. Snape felt no such compulsion, but whatever.

"These are the latest members of the Order," Dumbledore explained furiously. "Please greet them _warmly_."

Sirius was shaking visibly as he sank lower and lower in his chair, but the humour of the situation was lost on Snape. There was nothing – _nothing _– amusing about Lucius's hair.


End file.
